Who?
Who am I?This question has been roaring through my mind like a tornado and has left obvious devastation in it's wake.
So for the moment let's leave that question aside.
My name is... well, call me Antz. It's obviously not my real name but it's what everyone calls me. The type of nickname that I really want is "Ace", "Duke" or "Old Iron Balls"[1] but I haven't achieved the correct level of buy-in from anybody yet.
So back to the original question.
Come on, you knew it was coming.
It's the title of the blog people!
Don't act so surprised.
Who am I? Buggerd if I know. Really, no kidding I have no idea who I am. Not sure I ever have. I'm a bit like a Chameleon I am different things to different people in different circumstances. I don't think I'm unusual in this. I see family and friends behave differently in public than they do in private. The thing with me is that under all the layers, the masks and camoflage I'm not sure that I know if there is anything that is really, honestly, truely me.
What?
- I am the son of fantastic parents
- Husband to a beautiful, intelligent, funny, sexy wife
- Brother, uncle, cousin, brother in law to various members of my family
- Friend to my friends - well Duh!
- Colleague to my co-workers, many of whom I also consider friends
- Bane of my employer
- Computer programmer
- Lover of science fiction and science fact
- Dog fancier - Not that sort of fancy, it means I like them, get your mind above your belt.
- Gaming addict - Star Wars: The Old Republic FTW
- Atheist
- Maker of lists - you might have noticed
- Mental patient
- Buggerer of sheep - No! Wait! That's not right! I'm not Australian.
- I am a leaf on the wind [2]
I thought I was more.
I am I suppose but I'm just not sure what yet.
Where?
At last a question I can answer properly.
Well, answer anyway.
OK write some meaningless shit about.
I live with my beautiful wife and two Newfoundland dogs in a small village of a small suburb of a small satallite city of the small capital of a small country on the bottom half of a small blue green planet orbiting an insignificant star in the western spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy somewhere in the universe.
Look me up on Google Universe TM sometime.
It doesn't matter where I am, where I exist is in my mind. At least that's what I thought until the darkness came. Now I'm not even sure I'm in here anymore. I'm currently taking medication, and I hate taking medication, that is trying very hard to keep me alive. I'm not sure if the cure is worse than the disease but the side effects of both are that I don't remember, can't remember good things anymore, only bad things. I can't concentrate anymore except on bad things, dark, evil things. And finally I feel awful. The kind of awful where you don't get out of bed because you simply can't find the willpower. The kind of awful that leads you to think that you are useless, pathetic, a waste of useful resources. The kind of awful that leads to eating until you are sick. The kind of awful that make you feel shame, embarrasement, anxiety and fear. It's awful and I am lost in here somewhere. I've been lost for a very long time. Now I just hope I can find my way back.
When?
Now
Today
Right now
This very second
No not that one
This one
Oh do try and keep up!
I have existed in the physical form of Antz for some fourty four of your Earth years. But the stuff that I'm made of was born in the heart of a star eons ago. No, not my Mum, I mean a real honest to goodness blazing ball of extremely hot fusing hydrogen. Stars exploded into supernovae throwing their atoms out into the universe to coalesce into the thing that is me.
Bet that was a disappointment to their parents.
A favorite quote of mine from my scifi nerdage is "We are starstuff. We are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out."[3] so I hope that I can figure out my tiny part in it.
What's the square root of purple again? Bugger, forgot to carry the London Philharmonic Orchestra, now divide by pineapple... We are doomed people, I keep getting an Out of Cheese Error [4]
Why?
Why me?
Why not?
Someone has to be me right?
It might as well be me.
Are you as confused as me?
Oh, I see, why am I writing this blog?
To record who I am if that is possible. See I have been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, good old fashioned depression. Recently it has become worse, much worse, the sort of worse that you don't survive without help. I have been seeing doctors, councellers, crisis assessment teams and phyciatrists. However the one person I haven't visited is me. Oooooh that sounds all new age and shit! Been there, done that, got the harmonic crystal and spirit guide to prove it. What I really mean is that I don't know who I am.
So I am setting out to learn what, if anything, is me and I thought I would record the journey.
Why?
Because I am terrified that I am losing my mind. Hopefully this blog will capture some of what's left or at least be a bit of a laugh as I spiral into non-existence.
Quote of the Day
This quote got very real for me last week, still is.
To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep,
No more; [5]
Final Thoughts
I leave you, dear reader, with this final thought, Who are you?
Leave your answers in the comments, I'd love to hear from you.
Edit: Yes. I know the "Post Comments" section is missing. I'm working on finding a solution.
1: Arnold Judas Rimmer - Red Dwarf
1: Hoban "Wash" Washburne - Serenity
3: Ambassador Delenn - A Distant Star - Babylon 5
4: Hex - Interesting Times - Discworld Series - Terry Pratchett
5: Hamlet - Act III: The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark by William Shakespeare
hi antz,
ReplyDeletei read your blog so far with interest. The sort of things you are talking about ring quite a bell with female hormonal imbalances. In my extensive experience with the latter lol, i've come to recognise negative thinking with a certain hormonal imbalance. I've had various surgeries to remove my female bits over time, uterus, ovaries etc, and now take an estrogen only patch to provide my daily needs. When the patch wears off my hormone balance is affected and lowers, and I start feeling depressed and lowish, and also start getting negative thoughts. When I put on another patch, within a few hours my mood picks up and I feel positive again, and the negative thoughts vanish. I also have an estrogen gel specially imported for me by my obstetrician, which can be very precisely measured out, and the alteration in mood with its application is even more spectacular. Sometimes I feel like a hormone machine that I can fine tune, so predictable are the changes in mood, and whether i have positive or negative thoughts as a result of the estrogen applications!
My point here is of course not to do with female hormone balance as I know that obviously doesn't apply to you. It's just that I know from experience how easily one's state of mind can be altered by a hormonal balance. I don't know very much about hormonal treatments for depression (although I have noticed that a lot of them seem to treat the same hormonal pathways that female hormones do eg serotonin). However the only thing I really wanted to convey for you that i thought might help, is that the colour of the thoughts you have are generally a symptom of something like hormonal balance, or even just habits of giving yourself negative messages that can be retrained. I mean that one shouldn't pay too much attention to the specific thoughts themselves, or try to argue with them with yourself, it's possible to be more cunning about fixing them. The key thing I do is recognise their general mood, if they are negative I try to figure out what to do about that fact, eg in my case, hormonal check, to treat the cause not the symptom as it were.
One other thing i'd like to offer that might be of help (I do hope you'll forgive my presumption in all of this, I know you didn't ask for advice, so of course you're free to ignore it!). While it's a very good thing to know yourself and who you are (a long process, takes most of us that bother to attempt it a lifetime!), at the same time the aim that I think is best, that I try to achieve for myself, is to be looking outwards at life, not inwards at yourself. Our self-consciousness is one of being a human's higher achievements over animals I believe. However I think it's possible to overdo it, a fault common among more intelligent analytical people I believe. Some is essential for good self-knowledge, but I know I do it way too much, and these days I'm trying to retrain myself to look out at the world most of the time, not inwards at myself. In doing the former, the focus is on experience and enjoying what you are doing. In doing the latter the focus is on analysis and less on sensory experience. Since life is about enjoying the world and what you like to do that makes you happy, I think that a focus outwards on the world is better for mental health and balance.
Well i hope i haven't annoyed you too much with my opinions! They are all well meant and with the best intentions. If nothing else, I wish you the best with your blog and your search for the answers!
kind regards
Robyn
Robyn,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback. It seems that a number of the people who have read this have has similar experiences.
I agree with you that too much introspection can be harmful and I will heed your advice and lift my gaze occasionally to take in the rest of the world.
Stay well
Antz