Spirals

This week began so positive for me. I started at the gym which is a huge achievement. I really felt that finding the motivation to do this has been like turning a corner. That I was getting better. It did not last. By Wednesday I couldn't go to the gym and by Thursday I was unable to go to work. I don't even remember when I was last able to work a full week. I want to work, I really do but the effort to get out of bed and face the day is just too much. The thought of having to make small talk at the coffee machine, to act normal, fills me with dread. I am terrified of having a meltdown at work. I am old fashioned enough to still believe in professionalism and the thought of appearing that broken is front of my co-workers is abhorrent. In fact appearing that broken to anyone, more especially my wife, my family, has been the toughest trial I have ever faced.

My problem is my old friends guilt and shame. They are the double team of depression. When I can't face going to work I feel such terrible guilt. I am letting my employer, my colleagues, my family and myself down. The guilt leads to shame. This makes it harder to find the motivation to get back to work. So to ease the shame I eat. I don't just eat, I eat until I'm sick. I eat crap, as much crap as I can get in my mouth. This leads to awful shame, then I think about what I have done and I feel guilt. The cycle never ends. It feeds on it's self.

Now when I add in bad, interrupted, or no, sleep it starts escalating. I have slept more in the past 48 hours than I have in the last month. The nightmares are ever present but I think I am so tired that I can't wake up from them, or I have become numb to the horror. Now I have developed a headache which is eating me alive. A persistent, agonising pain behind my right eye that will not go away. Pain killers have no effect. I thought sleep might help but that has done nothing to dull the pain. The same headache for two weeks without stop. It's there when I wake up and still there when I try to go to sleep. The doctor said that it is a side effect of the anti-depressant medication I am now on, along with the sleep disturbances and the nightmares. And now the final insult, it turns out I am not on a strong enough dose to be effective so I have just begun double the previous dosage. The thinking is that at a higher dose I should start to experience some of the beneficial effects of the drug and that the unpleasant side effects should diminish or at least not get worse. I hope he is right. These side effects are stopping me from living. I can't work. I can't read. I can't play games or watch TV. There is no escape. It is quite literally draining my will to live.

So that leaves talking. Those who know me know that I never shut up, but it's fluff. Trivial, banal, light weight banter. Attempts to be funny. I have never faced having to talk like I must now. It feels like laying myself bare before the world and it is uncomfortable. It might seem strange that I am saying this in a blog, a public forum, and you would be right. I am talking about things in this blog that I have never discussed with anyone before.

Why?

Because in some way it helps. Writing helps crystallise what is happening to me in a way that talking doesn't. I can talk too quickly to think about what I really mean. Writing makes me pause and think about what it is I'm trying to say. By talking, I can end up in dark places. At my counselling session this week we tried a strategy to deal with the negative thoughts. I forget what the therapy is called but the idea is to acknowledge that I am having a thought without judging it. Didn't go so well. I was overcome by thoughts of guilt, shame, anger and fear. I had an anxiety attack right there in my session. Kay, my wonderful counsellor, was able to talk me off the ledge using a distraction technique called the alphabet game. You select a topic, then you have to name something associated with that topic beginning with each letter of the alphabet. It worked, at least partially. I am still dealing with overwhelming negative thoughts and feelings. The alphabet game distracts me, mindfulness meditation calms the anxiety but it sits there, waiting. A moment of weakness and it pours overs me like a tidal wave. The fear and panic are almost more than I can bear.

Sorry this has not been a more entertaining read. It hasn't been a bundle of laughs writing if that helps. I wanted to record how I feel in the hope that if someone else feels the same way they will know that they are not alone. I have no idea if that thought will help. All I can say is that if you do have feelings like I describe, talk to someone. Go see your doctor, talk to a friend or family member.

It really does help.

Don't wait, there is nothing to be gained by waiting.

Do it.

Now!

Quote of the Day

Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.^[1]

Sources
1: Plato